fiendangelicalz (fiendangelicalz) wrote,

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Worst time of my life...

So i dont know whats going on with me but then again i do... I'm a fucking mess. I'm not happy. haven't been for a while. i feel like the world is just fucking me over right now. i shouldnt have to feel like this cause honestly, i have a lot of accomplishments that i should be really proud of right now. But other things are taking the high away from it. to fill you in on how i got to this point...

End of April - MIP
May - Speeding Ticket
June - Court for both. Crunch time for school to finish up for graduation
July - Speeding Ticket Again!

So things are shitty. I barely have a life as it is now and now I have to put more stuff on the back burner because its not like i can go out to a party to see people i havent seen in a long time for the fear of violating probation. I'm sure other people are like, oh no big deal, its just an mip and its just 6 months probation... its not for me though... if i get this, it affects my job. the thing i've went to 2 years of school for and could screw my chances in the ultrasound program. currently i'm working extra hours and having no life just to pay tickets. dumb.

i wonder if its just stress or something thats making this way, but i've been crying a lot. i'm not a cryer. thank god no one has seen me during one of my crying acts... but they happen at the weirdest times. Ummm its like someone can just say the wrong thing and i could be just holding back the tears. Ummm in school, with my friends, with my boyfriend, and my family. i know i'm boring right now and i feel like i bring people down. i hate the word depressed, but it does almost sum it up. I really feel bad for D because we are just starting our relationship and its really hard to make someone else happy when your not even happy with yourself. i'm almost giving up on that too. i'm really not caring about much. i'm just going through the motions, doing what i have to do just to get through the day.

On a lighter note...
I want to try to get myself bad on my feet. So i really want to have a graduation party at my house probably the first weekend in september. I really hope i can have all my friends come so i can see people that i dont usually get to hang out with anymore. I would be a big bon fire summer blow out bash! Beer pong, karaoke, and more :D <--- havent seen a smile in a while. How does that sound? Grad party?
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